i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
