no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My feet surprised me
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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