I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
