my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
