I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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