it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
