yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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