I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
