If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
