and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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