Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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