My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
