Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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