I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
