Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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