shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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