saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
