i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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