I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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