tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
