omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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