My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
