...so i touched it.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
