Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
