My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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