Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
