Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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