Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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