Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
