I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
