ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
