Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
