it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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