when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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