wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
