i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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