three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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