I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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