The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
