I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
