How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
