you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
