The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
