The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
