Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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