apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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