is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
