I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
