Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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