If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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