so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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