It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
