JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Terrible idea I love it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
