oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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