I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
