haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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