my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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